Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 1, 2011 23:53:59 GMT -5
Can't control where your heart falls. Summary
Adrian Asbjørn is a life confused Norwegian detective stumbling through his existence. Now that he is on a case that involves capture of the assailants that murdered his own mother in front of him, his own weak ego couldn't turn that away. Little did he know this case would change his life one strand of black hair at a time.
Chapters: Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3 Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6 Part 1; Chapter 6 Part 2; Chapter 7; Chapter 8UPDATE: Chapter 8 is here! Leave comments and enjoy:) Check it out  I would love you guys support since I can barely find it other sites now days, but you guys seem pretty different! Feedback is greatly appreciated!  |
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Post by daijahv on Mar 2, 2011 0:32:35 GMT -5
We are different, everyone here is a psycho, I'm sorry to say but you're going to become deranged also! That's my way of saying Hello! And welcome! OOOOOOOOOooooooooooo Crime drama!!! Loving it already! I see a small image of who I assume to be Adrian, so you're a Sims2 user? Kewl  Now off to read! Chapter One: So sad what happened to those children. To witness your Mom get beaten and shot 5 times like that! I can't believe he was even able to form words, though it took a bit. Very sad! the poor children will be traumatized. I understand Adrian was trying to win over the child's trust, but I can't approve of him giving him that bear considering the way it looked. It's just a reminder of a tragic day in the poor kids' life. I hope his sister will be ok. Minor head trauma can't really be minor when it can lead to huge problems medically  I love little Vernon's protection there though, how he was able to get her safely out of harm's way. The kid has fire! Great start! I loved the drama and it's very well detailed! I can imagine how handsome Adrian must be to cause the rookie to be so bashful lol! Interesting dream he had! I can't wait to see where that takes him. Chapter Two: WHOA! That was great action! Again amazingly detailed! I'm really enjoying this story! You vividly detailed the entire gun fight there it was awesome! Sadly Adrian took a hit, but I'm glad he is ok. I was grateful the bad guy ate the bullet! But wow that was an incredible build up! You're a very talented writer. Interesting that he dreamt of this girl before meeting her. I hope she isn't bad for his health though knowing she's a petty thief might not be such a great thing for him considering he's the law. It seems like a pretty interesting romance...if it happens that is  I'd love to see how he'd manage covering his tracks with a criminal all the while having to put other bad guys behind bars. Chapter Three:
Wow...he can't sleep because he is constantly thinking about this woman but he acts so indifferent when she is in front of him? I wonder if it is the cop/criminal thing repelling him? Very interesting! She was basically throwing herself at him and he ran as quickly as he could! What man would do that? HAHA! He has willpower I can say that much.
I loved that she went after him though! He needed someone to take charge since it was obvious he was going to continue to run.
Again, and I don't think I can say this enough, I love the amount of descriptions you have here. I feel as if I am a part of the story reading your very detailed thoughts!
I can't wait to see where this romance goes...the idea of good and evil (not so much evil, but still) being together like demands my attention!
Great start and I cannot wait to read more! I don't know where you posted these before to not have decent feedback but they don't know what they are missing! Excellent job and again, Welcome to DD P.S. I love your cover image! The woman is gorgeous! |
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Post by valpre1983 on Mar 2, 2011 0:40:30 GMT -5
Like the sound of the synopsis, I'll only get a chance to check this out later tonight or probably in the weekend Again, welcome |
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Post by qui on Mar 2, 2011 9:45:36 GMT -5
What Daijah said!
You came here looking for support, you came to the right place but please be advised that you will walk away from us a nutcase! LOL
We overdose on laughs and curse out characters! Welcome! lol
Going to read this as soon as this guy fixes my net!
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 2, 2011 18:00:39 GMT -5
He thank you all I'm really glad y'all enjoyed ! daijahv Thanks four your feedback that was amazing and I'm glad yu loved it PS the girl in the pic is the girl from his dream |
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jillyson
Diligent Librarian 
Twozaks in Other Realms
[M0:6]"Now where have they gone? I seem to have lost my marbles again!" [ss:Luscious Lavender]
Posts: 9,634
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Post by jillyson on Mar 2, 2011 19:20:42 GMT -5
Chapter One:
What an intriging start! I can't wait to read more!
I already love your strong lead character, and can't wait to see who the "woman of his dreams" is!
What a horrible tragedy. You can hear in his voice how weary he is of seeing scenes like this. Strong, strong writing!
Chapter two:
And so they meet! How freaky he must be feeling that he dreamed about this girl only the night before!
You do a great job in speaking in this detective's voice - you've really got his character down!
Chapter three:
Oooohhh! What a kiss! She followed him home - she's not going to be brushed off so easily! It seems he likes to be a loner - from his attitude, it seems either he's been hurt in the past, or maybe his job is just too brutal and gets in the way. He's definitely trying to push her away, but his body says differently!
I can't wait to see if he can resist, or if he gets swept away by her saphire eyes...
So steamy!
I love the city you describe - it's almost like a character itself. Really great story telling!
I'm really glad you posted your story here - I'm loving the whole atmosphere of it, and I love the sims you have ready to be a part of it. Adrian in his bio and Autumn in your siggy - just as full of mystery as your story! They're perfect, and I hope you do add pictures! |
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 2, 2011 20:29:25 GMT -5
Yeah I probablly will, but I won't add many. Just a few to allow y'all to see whats going on in my mind. haft the things i write about I can't portray them in the sims world sadly... |
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Post by nygirl on Mar 2, 2011 21:04:44 GMT -5
Chapter 1: ~ Amazing and interesting start to this tale!
~ The whole teddy bear thing sent chills up and down my spine! What a horrible thing these children went through...I couldn't imagine!
~ Poor little Vernon, I hope that his sister will be ok...though with head injuries even years later there could be problems, hopefully it isn't too serious.
~ Interesting dream love the whole 'in a dream naked somewhere public' cliche!
~ Exceptional detail you have created in this story, pulls you right in! Chapter 2: ~ Excellent chapter!
~ The gun scene was gripping and had me on the edge of my seat...thank god for a reliable partnership indeed.
~ When a woman is behind you in a shootout...cardinal rule...never look back! It is a distraction...seen it one to many times in a movie haha.
~ Can't wait to see how this all plays out in the next chapter. I will try and read chapter 3 later! |
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 2, 2011 23:48:20 GMT -5
Thanks!! Take your time!! Ch4 will be up later tomorrow night gotta do some editing and revising. |
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Post by sb on Mar 3, 2011 20:55:30 GMT -5
I love your writing. It is mature, polished, and almost poetic. Simply gorgeous phrases! I don't know if you're using TS2 or TS3 to illustrate it since you haven't posted shots yet, but almost anything is possible with TS2, and you don't have to capture every action anyway. Again, wonderful work!
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 3, 2011 22:04:03 GMT -5
Yeah its just getting the sets right :/ I see how all yur stories have great sets and i dont know how to go that? I just do a simple house, a random builing and call it a day. *sigh* P.S Ch 4 is out! |
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Post by daijahv on Mar 3, 2011 23:01:39 GMT -5
Chapter 4: WOW hot! She is definitely his drug, poor Adrian! She has him all kinds of twisted! I can't shake the feeling that she is nothing but bad news though. Working him to her advantage for favors she will soon come to ask for!
Your writing once again drew me in! I love the way you speak in the cop's voice. The language is just too descriptive and amazing.
So my take: She's a leader of some big bad con artist gang and she wants poor Adrian to give her the skinny on some place prime for stealing! Ok I'm just being silly, but I can't trust her yet. She is really seducing the crap out of this guy so I know she's bad...she'll get her way soon and Adrian won't be able to resist!
Great update! Keep 'em coming! |
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 4, 2011 19:47:47 GMT -5
thanks!! Yeah I love you analogy  Might just come true CH 5 in progress. |
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Post by valpre1983 on Mar 5, 2011 3:05:12 GMT -5
I left comments on LJ for the first three chapters. And on Chapter Four, Daijahv stole the words right from my mouth... Autumn is definitely a drug he'll have a hard time withdrawing from. They both seem to have issues neither wants to talk about, but always seem to simmer on the surface, and they make up for their silences between the sheets.
I love how you describe his conflicted emotions towards Autumn. He knows nothing about this girl, yet she's all that matters to him at this moment.
Your writing is incredibly detailed, but if you add shots, it will be a thrilling experience for me. I love visuals. |
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 5, 2011 12:46:11 GMT -5
@valpre-This is replying to the comment left on CH 3. Its basically the classic case of nerves. He says all these things when he's away from her, but when he finally in in her presence, he chickens out and semi shuts down. Adrian's a weirdo |
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