Post by Maximum Slide on Sept 20, 2011 19:49:52 GMT -5
When I stop and think about it, all my life I had been working to just be accepted and liked by all. And in ways I'm still trying to be accepted. And what I mean by working to get accepted, I just mean school and relationships in general. And in this post I have a few confessions also. If it gets a bit confusing, I'm sorry. I'm trying not to use names here.
Confession number one: He's not my boyfriend. Well, he is and he isn't. It's an unspoken thing between us. We cuddle and can be completely at ease with each other. He doesn't really scout out for other girls and me... Well, I'm just confused. My heart says love while my mind speaks sense. You don't love him my mind whispers. You are only testing the words out and seeing how they feel. When I had approached my mom with the situation, she told me, "When boys share their feelings with you, you tend to run away from it. Maybe he knows that. Maybe he considers you two together. He doesn't want to say his feelings. He might be afraid of scaring you away from him." Mom's right about that whole, "I tend to run away when boys admit their feelings for me." The rest I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.
I tend to hang out with a group of guys. Four of them to be exact. All of them had once texted me, admitting what they feel about me. Including the one I kinda sorta can call my boyfriend. But that was a year and a couple of months ago. Things change. Especially him.
There's another one out of the four that I like too. He's different... But when it comes to girls he's all the same. He told me his feelings for me with beautiful love poems and amazing honesty. But I told him I wasn't ready for dating, he got upset with me and went on a dating rampage, hoping he would forget about me. It made me berserk with jealousy. He went for my friend too, and she knew that I liked him. She said yes to going out with him. I was mad so I texted my best friend telling her my feelings. She got mad and told my friend dating the boy about how I feel. My friend got guilty, saying she didn't know I had feelings for him and that my friendship to her is way more than a boy could ever worth. She ditched him. I felt like crap after. It was just recently after he had broken up with this other girl that I had admitted my feelings for him. He said that even when dating those other girls, I was the one he missed. He just didn't have the heart to break up with any of them so he just waited until they broke up with him.
But now I learned to never trust what he says. He's still going out on dates with whatever girl will give him the time.
Anyways, back to my boy. The one I kinda sorta consider my boyfriend. He's quiet, shy, and quite fun to be around when he gets to trusting you. I met him in the fifth grade. I fell for him the first time I saw him. Now for a fifth grader, everyone has their own opinions about young love, but I had carried the same feelings for him up to the tenth grade. Much of those feelings getting stronger by the year. That is five years later. A year ago it was when he began entering my dreams and to be quite honest I'm sick of it. I hate it that he is invading my dreams. Not sure what to call it; "A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare." Now I get what Beyoncè was singing about. I always feel like I'm too young to like a boy this much. But on the other hand in two more years I'll be off to college and I will still be thinking I'm to young to love.
It's true. If we make it official between us, I'll start feeling weird. The relationship we have now is perfect. We're close enough to be considered boyfriend and girlfriend, but it's more of an unspoken relationship between us and we both like it that way. We both love showing very minor affection for each other without the stress of calling it "dating".
Confession number two: I always tell my friends that they are beautiful. I mean it every time I say it. I think everyone is so gloriously and wonderfully made... Or however that Bible verse went. It's one of the many many many things God and I have in common when it comes to thinking. Everyone is beautiful. But it's funny that I feel like that towards everyone else when I, myself, don't feel very beautiful at all. I mean, I'll look in the mirror and and say, "Wow. I look pretty." But honestly, I lack that confidence when I think at how little I'm noticed at school compared to the other pretty girls. I know it only matters what one thinks of oneself. I know that. But words can only go so far until you actually feel what the words are saying. I know I'm pretty. But I don't feel it if that makes any sense what-so-ever. It's not that I crave male attention. I just crave being noticed in general. I want people to look at me and think, "She's beautiful," just like I look at everyone else and think, "Wow. They're beautiful." Sometimes at school, it feels like I'm cast out on the sidelines when everyone is within the sidelines. They pass me, and the girls in my school would smile and say hi to me. Sometimes even ask how I'm doing. My class... With the exception of the boys... is actually quite mature. But do they look at me and think I'm beautiful? I don't know. I have a girl friend who craves male attention and would go to extremes just to get it. I love her, I really really do. She's a good friend and when she's away from everyone else, she has amazing things to say. But she would be "dating" one boy and be skipping around with others, making each one fall for her. I envy her. I had always envied how she could do that. How she could waltz right in and have every boy stare at her like she is some kind of goddess. When I stand next to her in a room filled with boys, I'm nothing but thin air to those boys. All they see is her. She's beautiful and has a spirit no one can compare to. She had once admitted being insecure. I told her she shouldn't be. She never listened to me once when I said she didn't need those boys.
Of course my four boys are an exception. They don't like her because they know her and her ethics when it comes to boys. I'm just talking about other boys in general. The ones that just go for her breasts and her bottom to put it politely.
As I was saying, I just want to look good in other people's eyes so I could stop worrying what other people think of me. I shouldn't have this problem and I hate feeling a bit insecure. I can't help it.
Confession number three: I had done pretty awful things to myself one point of time. Every time I think about the seventh grade, my I cringe and for 1/2 a second, I can't breathe. I have the most trouble letting go of my past. I can get my life in a straight order if I wanted it to. I have to give God credit. He really does let me have complete control. You just need to know how to steer the horse in order to ride it. Other wise you're in for a bumpy ride. Or a journey to no where and to places you do not even want to go. But sometimes you are the unlucky rider who gets that stubborn horse that doesn't like to do what you say and... never mind. Back on the point.
Seventh grade I had went through my first heart break. It sucked. And if I didn't know how to be polite, I have some choice words about this seventh grade, but I promise not to blurt them here. I can guess you get the point anyhow. I had broken up with my boyfriend (for the third and last time) because I thought he wanted to do all that touchy feely stuff I thought most guys wanted. That's not even the best part. The best part is that the boy I had broken up with is the boy I kinda sorta consider my boyfriend now. Us two had gone a long ways together. We had collided and stuck together tightly, the drifted off, then collided again, then drifted off, then hopefully for the last time he had collided with me. We had been close since and becoming a little closer.
When I had broken up with him, he ignored me for weeks and to that point I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to ask him out again. I didn't want it to be so confusing for him or me. He had gotten to know this boy (and to not get all confusing, I'll rename this boy into Bob). Bob was a bad influence. He hated my guts and in result, he made my boy hate my guts. It broke my heart. Bob liked one of my friends and she hung out with Bob all the time. Bob and my boy both. (Okay, let's just call my boy Henry. The girl Sally.) Sally started to fall for Henry. Sally asked my permission to ask Henry out. I said yes, not expecting the dramatic and emotional turn my mind had taken because I had allowed Sally and Henry to be together. I think Henry went out with Sally because Bob approved of her and he hadn't approved of me.
I smashed my head against my wall every night every time I had seen them hug in the hallways. Once Sally had told me Henry hated me. He didn't want to be around me anymore. After that I wasn't alright at all. I would cry endlessly. I hurt myself in every way possible. I let my grades drop. I didn't care. My thoughts were suicidal. I started to dis God. Said I hated Him for not caring or being there. I wanted to kill. All I wanted was death. All of this because of MY doing. All of this just because of a BOY! A BOY that shouldn't of mattered in the first place. A BOY that shouldn't have had control of my life like that. A BOY I had allow MY friend to DATE.
People started to "cough" and whisper emo in the hallways every time I passed by. I ignored them.
Sally endlessly asked me if I was actually okay with them dating. Every time I would lie so I wouldn't get between their happiness... If they were happy.
Eventually, I snapped. I was going crazy. Literally with heartache. I didn't know the things I had been saying one day in the lunchroom. Making jokes on how I was depressed, hoping the truth wouldn't leak through. I had been joking and laughing either too loudly or too fake because Sally suddenly snapped too.
"Fine!" she yelled. "I'll do it." I frowned, my mind suddenly grasped the real world. Then before I could shout out I heard her say, "I'm breaking up with you," to Henry and she stomped off.
I was dumbstruck. All of my friends that had been around me left the table to go comfort Sally. Then one of my friends came up, called me the B word, and again, my mind lost it. I lunged at her and gripped her shoulder. All I could think of was, "I'm going to kill her. I'm going beat her up and not be able to stop." I lost control. My mind wasn't there anymore. One of my friends... No, several of my friends gripped my arms and held me back. The friend's arm that I had attacked was bleeding and she backed away from me, fear shining in her beautiful clear summer sky eyes. I was screaming at all of them. I wasn't in the cafeteria anymore. I was in a void. Complete emptiness.
Up to this day, I still feel horrible for the things I had done to myself and to other people. I never ever forgave myself for that and that is my problem. My friends still remained as my friends despite what I had done to myself and to them. Although most people had seem to forget my little episodes, I didn't.
I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
Confession number four: I had written a complete story about my seventh grade year up above in a fantasy format. If you guys are interested in reading the complete story, just let me know. I'm more than happy to put it up here. I'm trying to get my story out there.
The reason why I had shared a little less than half of my life is because I'm not ashamed (except for the whole incident with confession number three. Still hating myself) of my life. Most writers had became famous for telling their life stories, and I'm hoping you guys would be interested enough to encourage me into writing things about myself. Yes, I'm scared into admitting things, but that's part of life. You can't learn how to tango if you refuse to take the steps.
I would like to encourage you guys to tell me anything you thought about my confessions and feel free to tell me if you relate to any of them. I had grown up a lot these passed years and I feel like an adult in a fifteen year old's body. It's the reason why I'm able to hold on to these little friendships I would otherwise had lost. It's because I had gotten to know and learned how to love and trust in God, but that's another story... Which I can post if you guys are interested in that sort of stuff. I know how some sites are so iffy about religion sharing :/
That's about it. Questions, comment, thoughts are always welcome.
Confession number one: He's not my boyfriend. Well, he is and he isn't. It's an unspoken thing between us. We cuddle and can be completely at ease with each other. He doesn't really scout out for other girls and me... Well, I'm just confused. My heart says love while my mind speaks sense. You don't love him my mind whispers. You are only testing the words out and seeing how they feel. When I had approached my mom with the situation, she told me, "When boys share their feelings with you, you tend to run away from it. Maybe he knows that. Maybe he considers you two together. He doesn't want to say his feelings. He might be afraid of scaring you away from him." Mom's right about that whole, "I tend to run away when boys admit their feelings for me." The rest I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.
I tend to hang out with a group of guys. Four of them to be exact. All of them had once texted me, admitting what they feel about me. Including the one I kinda sorta can call my boyfriend. But that was a year and a couple of months ago. Things change. Especially him.
There's another one out of the four that I like too. He's different... But when it comes to girls he's all the same. He told me his feelings for me with beautiful love poems and amazing honesty. But I told him I wasn't ready for dating, he got upset with me and went on a dating rampage, hoping he would forget about me. It made me berserk with jealousy. He went for my friend too, and she knew that I liked him. She said yes to going out with him. I was mad so I texted my best friend telling her my feelings. She got mad and told my friend dating the boy about how I feel. My friend got guilty, saying she didn't know I had feelings for him and that my friendship to her is way more than a boy could ever worth. She ditched him. I felt like crap after. It was just recently after he had broken up with this other girl that I had admitted my feelings for him. He said that even when dating those other girls, I was the one he missed. He just didn't have the heart to break up with any of them so he just waited until they broke up with him.
But now I learned to never trust what he says. He's still going out on dates with whatever girl will give him the time.
Anyways, back to my boy. The one I kinda sorta consider my boyfriend. He's quiet, shy, and quite fun to be around when he gets to trusting you. I met him in the fifth grade. I fell for him the first time I saw him. Now for a fifth grader, everyone has their own opinions about young love, but I had carried the same feelings for him up to the tenth grade. Much of those feelings getting stronger by the year. That is five years later. A year ago it was when he began entering my dreams and to be quite honest I'm sick of it. I hate it that he is invading my dreams. Not sure what to call it; "A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare." Now I get what Beyoncè was singing about. I always feel like I'm too young to like a boy this much. But on the other hand in two more years I'll be off to college and I will still be thinking I'm to young to love.
It's true. If we make it official between us, I'll start feeling weird. The relationship we have now is perfect. We're close enough to be considered boyfriend and girlfriend, but it's more of an unspoken relationship between us and we both like it that way. We both love showing very minor affection for each other without the stress of calling it "dating".
Confession number two: I always tell my friends that they are beautiful. I mean it every time I say it. I think everyone is so gloriously and wonderfully made... Or however that Bible verse went. It's one of the many many many things God and I have in common when it comes to thinking. Everyone is beautiful. But it's funny that I feel like that towards everyone else when I, myself, don't feel very beautiful at all. I mean, I'll look in the mirror and and say, "Wow. I look pretty." But honestly, I lack that confidence when I think at how little I'm noticed at school compared to the other pretty girls. I know it only matters what one thinks of oneself. I know that. But words can only go so far until you actually feel what the words are saying. I know I'm pretty. But I don't feel it if that makes any sense what-so-ever. It's not that I crave male attention. I just crave being noticed in general. I want people to look at me and think, "She's beautiful," just like I look at everyone else and think, "Wow. They're beautiful." Sometimes at school, it feels like I'm cast out on the sidelines when everyone is within the sidelines. They pass me, and the girls in my school would smile and say hi to me. Sometimes even ask how I'm doing. My class... With the exception of the boys... is actually quite mature. But do they look at me and think I'm beautiful? I don't know. I have a girl friend who craves male attention and would go to extremes just to get it. I love her, I really really do. She's a good friend and when she's away from everyone else, she has amazing things to say. But she would be "dating" one boy and be skipping around with others, making each one fall for her. I envy her. I had always envied how she could do that. How she could waltz right in and have every boy stare at her like she is some kind of goddess. When I stand next to her in a room filled with boys, I'm nothing but thin air to those boys. All they see is her. She's beautiful and has a spirit no one can compare to. She had once admitted being insecure. I told her she shouldn't be. She never listened to me once when I said she didn't need those boys.
Of course my four boys are an exception. They don't like her because they know her and her ethics when it comes to boys. I'm just talking about other boys in general. The ones that just go for her breasts and her bottom to put it politely.
As I was saying, I just want to look good in other people's eyes so I could stop worrying what other people think of me. I shouldn't have this problem and I hate feeling a bit insecure. I can't help it.
Confession number three: I had done pretty awful things to myself one point of time. Every time I think about the seventh grade, my I cringe and for 1/2 a second, I can't breathe. I have the most trouble letting go of my past. I can get my life in a straight order if I wanted it to. I have to give God credit. He really does let me have complete control. You just need to know how to steer the horse in order to ride it. Other wise you're in for a bumpy ride. Or a journey to no where and to places you do not even want to go. But sometimes you are the unlucky rider who gets that stubborn horse that doesn't like to do what you say and... never mind. Back on the point.
Seventh grade I had went through my first heart break. It sucked. And if I didn't know how to be polite, I have some choice words about this seventh grade, but I promise not to blurt them here. I can guess you get the point anyhow. I had broken up with my boyfriend (for the third and last time) because I thought he wanted to do all that touchy feely stuff I thought most guys wanted. That's not even the best part. The best part is that the boy I had broken up with is the boy I kinda sorta consider my boyfriend now. Us two had gone a long ways together. We had collided and stuck together tightly, the drifted off, then collided again, then drifted off, then hopefully for the last time he had collided with me. We had been close since and becoming a little closer.
When I had broken up with him, he ignored me for weeks and to that point I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to ask him out again. I didn't want it to be so confusing for him or me. He had gotten to know this boy (and to not get all confusing, I'll rename this boy into Bob). Bob was a bad influence. He hated my guts and in result, he made my boy hate my guts. It broke my heart. Bob liked one of my friends and she hung out with Bob all the time. Bob and my boy both. (Okay, let's just call my boy Henry. The girl Sally.) Sally started to fall for Henry. Sally asked my permission to ask Henry out. I said yes, not expecting the dramatic and emotional turn my mind had taken because I had allowed Sally and Henry to be together. I think Henry went out with Sally because Bob approved of her and he hadn't approved of me.
The boy I call Bob is now actually one of my best friends I hold closest to my heart.
I smashed my head against my wall every night every time I had seen them hug in the hallways. Once Sally had told me Henry hated me. He didn't want to be around me anymore. After that I wasn't alright at all. I would cry endlessly. I hurt myself in every way possible. I let my grades drop. I didn't care. My thoughts were suicidal. I started to dis God. Said I hated Him for not caring or being there. I wanted to kill. All I wanted was death. All of this because of MY doing. All of this just because of a BOY! A BOY that shouldn't of mattered in the first place. A BOY that shouldn't have had control of my life like that. A BOY I had allow MY friend to DATE.
People started to "cough" and whisper emo in the hallways every time I passed by. I ignored them.
Sally endlessly asked me if I was actually okay with them dating. Every time I would lie so I wouldn't get between their happiness... If they were happy.
Eventually, I snapped. I was going crazy. Literally with heartache. I didn't know the things I had been saying one day in the lunchroom. Making jokes on how I was depressed, hoping the truth wouldn't leak through. I had been joking and laughing either too loudly or too fake because Sally suddenly snapped too.
"Fine!" she yelled. "I'll do it." I frowned, my mind suddenly grasped the real world. Then before I could shout out I heard her say, "I'm breaking up with you," to Henry and she stomped off.
I was dumbstruck. All of my friends that had been around me left the table to go comfort Sally. Then one of my friends came up, called me the B word, and again, my mind lost it. I lunged at her and gripped her shoulder. All I could think of was, "I'm going to kill her. I'm going beat her up and not be able to stop." I lost control. My mind wasn't there anymore. One of my friends... No, several of my friends gripped my arms and held me back. The friend's arm that I had attacked was bleeding and she backed away from me, fear shining in her beautiful clear summer sky eyes. I was screaming at all of them. I wasn't in the cafeteria anymore. I was in a void. Complete emptiness.
Up to this day, I still feel horrible for the things I had done to myself and to other people. I never ever forgave myself for that and that is my problem. My friends still remained as my friends despite what I had done to myself and to them. Although most people had seem to forget my little episodes, I didn't.
I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
Confession number four: I had written a complete story about my seventh grade year up above in a fantasy format. If you guys are interested in reading the complete story, just let me know. I'm more than happy to put it up here. I'm trying to get my story out there.
The reason why I had shared a little less than half of my life is because I'm not ashamed (except for the whole incident with confession number three. Still hating myself) of my life. Most writers had became famous for telling their life stories, and I'm hoping you guys would be interested enough to encourage me into writing things about myself. Yes, I'm scared into admitting things, but that's part of life. You can't learn how to tango if you refuse to take the steps.
I would like to encourage you guys to tell me anything you thought about my confessions and feel free to tell me if you relate to any of them. I had grown up a lot these passed years and I feel like an adult in a fifteen year old's body. It's the reason why I'm able to hold on to these little friendships I would otherwise had lost. It's because I had gotten to know and learned how to love and trust in God, but that's another story... Which I can post if you guys are interested in that sort of stuff. I know how some sites are so iffy about religion sharing :/
That's about it. Questions, comment, thoughts are always welcome.
) This place is so great to be able to vent like this. I know that sometimes you just have to get things off of your chest. I'm glad that now you've gotten more control, and I feel like some of the thins you said, I can somewhat relate to.