The Taylor's Random Legacy - Updated 4/18/11!

[coop]

For those who have read it so far, what advice would you give me to make my next chapter a little better, and to keep my readers coming back for more?

Thanks...


This is my first story/legacy challenge that i'm doing.
The link as to were i got this challenge from:

randomlegacychallenge.blogspot.com/

Im using the twallan mod, but will not be using any cheats in this challenge/story because the challenge does not allow cheats, so i go off of whatever happens in my game, and thats the angle this story is going. Any critique on it would be great, mind you this is my first time, and im still learning everything... :-[ok thanks lol


The Taylor's Random Legacy:
Chapter One:
thetaylorsrandomlegacychallengestory.blogspot.com/2011/04/taylor-random-legacy-challenge-story.html

Chapter Two:
thetaylorsrandomlegacychallengestory.blogspot.com/2011/04/taylors-random-legacy-challenge-story.html

[valpre1983]

It's pretty late where I am, but I'll take a look at it tomorrow

[nygirl]

I think you are off to a wonderful start! I know that in Legacy challenges you can't use cheats that would give you an advantage over other players...hence why I adapted my own rules to one...I would get bored to easily with most of the rules.

You can however use the cheats hideHeadlineEffects on. This will remove the thought bubbles and plumbob from your sims, making pictures for your storyline a little cleaners. They just get in the way for me...and aren't really needed...of course unless you prefer to have them.

Going to be following this legacy since I have finally found one I can follow from the beginning!

[coop]

Oh thanks nygirl for that cheat, i was wondering what i could use to get rid of those!! Will definitely use that!

[jillyson]

I hope to get a chance to have a look on my lunch break - if not, I'll definitely read it over dinner tonight!

[coop]

Awesome Jillyson, thanks

[dblondepimpett]

I agree with Ny it is a great legacy I will enjoy continuing and keeping up... I would suggest to fix a few grammatical errors. Mainly it is the run on sentences and comma splices. It isn't that big of a deal, but I have a hard time following along; mainly because I am a Professional Writing Major so it distracts me.

Example: in your first chapter- third slide

SPOILER: Click to show

She knew she could produce a business of just selling the products of her homegrown fruits and vegetables, and set out to do just that, with the starter house they purchased it was perfect land to start a garden on, she could just smell the rich soil.

You could fix it like this
She knew she could produce a business of just selling the products of her homegrown fruits and vegetables; so she set out to do just that. With the starter house they purchased it was perfect land to start a garden on; she could just smell the rich soil.

With just a couple of semi colons and the additional period it made that one sentence into two sentences that the reader can more easily follow along with.

I made the same mistakes in my early stories(and still do by accident) and found that when I improved my writing abilities I had more readers.

I really hope that helps.

[Aussie Karima]

Nicky!

SPOILER: Click to show

~ Loving this,of to a great start here,I normally do not read legacies,but a few peeps at DD's have changed my mind with their amazing stories from the legacies they play!
~ Looking forward to more!(",)

[coop]

Apr 19, 2011 11:14:34 GMT -5 dblondepimpett said:

I agree with Ny it is a great legacy I will enjoy continuing and keeping up... I would suggest to fix a few grammatical errors. Mainly it is the run on sentences and comma splices. It isn't that big of a deal, but I have a hard time following along; mainly because I am a Professional Writing Major so it distracts me.

Example: in your first chapter- third slide

SPOILER: Click to show

She knew she could produce a business of just selling the products of her homegrown fruits and vegetables, and set out to do just that, with the starter house they purchased it was perfect land to start a garden on, she could just smell the rich soil.

You could fix it like this
She knew she could produce a business of just selling the products of her homegrown fruits and vegetables; so she set out to do just that. With the starter house they purchased it was perfect land to start a garden on; she could just smell the rich soil.

With just a couple of semi colons and the additional period it made that one sentence into two sentences that the reader can more easily follow along with.

I made the same mistakes in my early stories(and still do by accident) and found that when I improved my writing abilities I had more readers.

I really hope that helps.

LOL you know what, when i took English 101 in college my professor told me the same exact thing about my run-ons, wow. Thanks!! I'll try and look out for that next time


And Karima thanks so much for your comment!!

[jillyson]

Ok, I squeezed them both into my lunch!

SPOILER: Click to show

I like the plan, and the characters are very well defined and different, which is great for adding interest. I think, if you have a friend that can proofread for you, it would be really helpful. (there's also folks here that will be glad to do it, if you wanted.) An example:

On the day Bella got her first paycheck, she rush home to drag maria to the salon to get a full make over. Of course Maria said no, "We just can't afford things like makeovers twin."

Bella would not let her push her around when it came to her own money, "Sis, are you going to try and control my money too? And second i didn't ask you, your coming!!" Bella pulled her all the way to the salon.

I noticed you used conversation more in the second chapter to move the plot along versus just telling us what's happening, and that's a good move. It just needs to be polished up a bit with proper spelling & grammar.

On the day Bella got her first paycheck, she came rushing home to drag Maria to the salon. "It's time for full make overs!"
Of course, Maria said, "No, Bella. We just can't afford things like makeovers, Twin."

Bella would not let her push her around when it came to her own money, "Sis, are you going to try and control my money too? And second, I didn't ask you; you're coming!!"
Bella pulled her all the way to the salon.

Just little things, but in the big picture, it will help draw readers in if they see a well written, easy to follow story. Plot and characters are important, but if it looks good on paper, that means a lot, too. Think of it like a girl with a really great personality, with a bad haircut & crappy clothes. People are more likely to find out about her great personality if she took better care of her appearance.

Hope I helped a bit! I really like the story, and I could already see improvement from the 1st to the 2nd chapter. Looking forward to more!

[coop]

Thanks Jillyson awesome advice!! Having someone proofread is an excellent idea as well. Is there a thread on here where people volunteer to proofread?

Update!
I've found the thread for someone to proofread, thanks again Jillyson.

[valpre1983]

Nicky, I read chapter one, and I liked the plot and the characterization. I won't go into your grammar, etc, since it's already been mentioned. But it's great start and I'll be looking forward to future chapters.

Quick question: Did you start a story thread for this? If not I think you should since you've already posted links to two chapters already.

You can start your legacy thread here

Just remember to always update your first post by adding your chapters, and in the subject line of your first post, always add the date of the latest chapter so readers will know there's an update.

Also, you can post an alert here to let readers know you've updated your story.

As Jilly mentioned before, we have a lot of talented members who'll be happy to help with your story, if you need proofing services, tips, etc. just PM anyone of us, and whoever is free or can help out will, will

[Tina ☺]

LOL.... you are IN the thread to ask for proof reading help, etc.
Edit by Jillyson: This post has since been moved to the correct location.
As Freedom said, THIS is NOT the place to post the actual links to your story, so it would be great if you would take her advice and make a story thread for this on the story board in the Legacies/Challenges section.

Sorry, I haven't read this yet, but I am already pretty far behind on several stories I have been following, but I plan to 'branch out' once I am caught up and find myself with a bit of time. Also, I usually am the FIRST one to volunteer my proof reading services because I am also one who gets quite distracted by too many typos/grammatical errors, etc, but I am a bit disoriented and strapped for time right now, so I am unable to offer my help at this time, unfortunately.

As Freedom said, if you post a thread here asking for a proof reader, I am quite sure someone will 'answer your ad' shortly. If not, I will try to make some time and help you out myself.

In the meantime, keep on 'trucking' and have lots of fun! After all, that is a big part of what it's all about. ;D

[coop]

Thanks Val, I will put my story in the correct thread. Thanks so much for the link.

@tina, oh take your time hun. I figured you would have your hands full, but im honored you did look at this thread

[jillyson]

Hi Coop - In case you didn't notice, I moved all your comments from the previous thread into your story post. I also rearranged your first post a bit to fix your chapters, and show the date of your last chapter in the title.

Technically, you were in the right place, since you were asking for a critique, but since you were adding chapters, we wanted the story to have a "home" so your readers would have a place to comment for you.

Every time you do a new chapter, you just modify that 1st post, and add the chapter link, and change the post title to show the new date.

I wasn't able to find where you posted your request for a proof reader, but if you post it Here:
desirablediscourses.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=help

Someone with some time on their hands will jump on in and give you a hand!

Also, whenever you have a new chapter, post a little note with the link here:
desirablediscourses.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=alertthread&action=display&thread=2905&page=49

That way, we'll all have a head's up to come looking for it!