Another day...another death...

[nygirl]

I don't usually bring myself to talk about this subject very easily, but the more I hold it in, the more it maddens me.

Last year when I lost my father, I thought the world was going to come crashing down on me...and for a while it seemed like it did until I pushed it all deep inside where it festered. Since then there has been 4 deaths in my extended family with the fifth just days ago. And the pile of feelings and emotions inside of me keep expanding, nearly to the point where I feel like I am going to explode.

It just seems like death is everywhere and no matter where I turn, I cannot get away from it. I had finally came out of my slump not too long ago, I am not sure as to how much of it is due to me finally dealing with it a little, or due to me just blocking it all out because it was too painful, and it seems as if I have fallen back into it.

I can't talk to my fiancé, because doesn't handle how I handle it very easy. Normally death didn't bother me as much until it had hit so close to home. I don't see a psychiatrist because honestly I don't find comfort in telling someone I don't know about everything I am thinking and feeling. And I can't talk to my best friend about it because she is in the same boat as I am and we are just in misery about it together (It was her aunt and we were all very close)

I have known my best friend for over ten years and grew very close to her family very quickly, in a sense they adopted me as one of their own when I had no one left in the world, before I got back in contact with my father. Now I feel awful because I said I couldn't go to the funeral, because the first thought that came to me when she said that was the vision of my fathers cold lifeless body in his casket and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I couldn't make things worse for her and her family. She says she completely understands and that it is okay...but somehow I did not find comfort in that. I feel like I should be there...but know I can't mentally or emotionally handle it.

So aside from that I have no other family or friends I feel comfortable venting it all out to...then I thought of my family here at DD.

It's just that I feel my strength, as a person, getting weaker and weaker every day to the point that I am about to have a nervous breakdown and just lose it. It seems that I write and write...and write to block it all out, to release it little by little, but there is only so much writing I can do before it mentally exhausts me. Now I realize that this has nearly become a book so I will leave my thoughts there.

I just wanted to get it all out somewhere where I wouldn't be judged or thrown a prescription for pills. To those who sat through this long rant, from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for listening.

[joandsarah]

*lots of hugs* I'll say first up there is no right or wrong way to handle a death that is close to you. You handle it the way you handle it. It seems you have already told your friend you can't handle it -which is what I was going to say to do. The best is just to be there for her afterwoulds. Some times people think a simple hug and I'm sorry is lame, but it's not. It means a lot.

[Tina ☺]

First, I want to say "ditto" on what Jo said above and a double dose of

Now, my own thoughts:

You have just taken the first step into lifting you burden, at least a little, by allowing yourself to release all those pent up feelings from deep inside you. If your friend says she understands, then she does. You cannot allow yourself to be filled with guilt over the way you feel. It will eventually chew you up and spit you out.

Death really blows, but without it, life would have less meaning. I know that sounds pretty lame, but if we all knew we would live forever, then what would the point of living be? What would push us onward and upward if we knew we were stuck here forever? Knowing that, however, does not make the pain of the death of a loved one hurt any less, not in the least.

Several years back, I thought my heart would never mend and recover as I watched my father, a big, strong, hard-working construction worker slowly wither away as cancer spread through his body. At one one point, I thought my dad could never have been taken down by anything, much less in such a slow, painful, rather demeaning manner.

But time does lessen the ache in your heart, and you also have to think about what your loved one would want for you. Do you believe the ones you love so dearly, who loved you, would want to see you in such pain and misery? Surely not! That is when you know you must pick up the pieces and carry on; for the ones who are no longer with us, for the ones who are still here who need us, and for those in the future who may love and need us.

I know, even though it sounds a bit cliche, how you are feeling. After having watched my dad slowly be eaten away by cancer, a few years later I had to see it happen to my mother-in-law. NOW, I am faced with the cold, hard fact, that my mother, who happens to by my best friend in the world, has lung cancer. At 74 years old, there is no way she is going to beat it, so.... next I will have to suffer, yet again, by watching my mom slowly have the life sucked out of her by this horrid, hideous beast!

At this moment, chills run through my entire body at the mere thought of having to go through that, yet again, with someone I love. Yet, I know my mom will not want me to come apart at the seams when it happens so, for a while, most likely quite awhile, after it happens I will allow myself to be devoured by anguish and pain. After a bit of time, I will look into the eyes of my two beautiful daughters, and know that if for nothing else, I must pull myself together and carry on for them, as well as quite a few other people who care about me.

Bottom line is this:

It is ok to feel grief, pain, anguish, and despair at the loss of a loved one, but then it is time to pick up and carry on for all those on whom we depend and who depend upon us. I am so sorry for your pain, suffering, and sense of loss, but please... do your best to not let it 'own' you. We are here for you to listen, to understand, and to care.

Just hang in there because time really does heal all wounds, even though some of them may leave a big scar, which tends to ache a bit now and again.

(Talk about your freakin novels!) Sorry 'bout that, but it was worth it if any of my drivel helped you to feel a bit better!

[jillyson]

I'm so glad that you felt you can come to us. We're all here for you. Maybe you could attend the service before the burial, and skip the wake. If the burial is too hard, they usually have a reception/gathering afterwards, and you could attend that.

When I lost my dad, it was a situation a bit like yours. We'd been estranged, and were just getting to know each other again, and he got very close to my 2 kids when he died. Seeing him in that casket was surprisingly hard, but afterward the burial, we went back to the funeral home for a reception. Everyone sat around & told great stories about my dad - many that I'd never heard. We actually managed to laugh, which I didn't think was possible. People I didn't even know managed to brighten my day.

So while that image in the casket is still with me, I try to quickly replace it with the warm, happy feelings that everyone shared afterward.

I hope that's helpful on some small way. Just know that we're here with virtual hugs & all the support you need.

[nygirl]

Thank you so much Jo, Tina and Jilly, your words were of much comfort to me. It's a big burden off my back that I have a place to vent, which lightens my mood a bit. Tomorrow is another day...perhaps it will all sink in and my head will be a little straighter tomorrow.

[jillyson]

A little better, every day.

[symphony]

I only came across your post today - hence the late reply - I hope you feel better. Here is a poem I read today. You always write so well and you seem to find comfort in words -

“To every man on this Earth

Death cometh soon or late,

and how can man die better

than facing fearful odds

for the ashes of his fathers

and the temples of his Gods”.