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Post by sweetdreams25 on Mar 9, 2011 8:58:19 GMT -5
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Post by daijahv on Mar 9, 2011 10:06:18 GMT -5
ARGH!! NUUU I can't see LJ at work! I will definitely get to this when I get home!
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Post by valpre1983 on Mar 9, 2011 11:10:12 GMT -5
Part One Wow, poor Embry. I can't imagine losing anyone close to me and then have the people around you try to convince you, you are imagining things. That would be enough to drive me insane. I'm glad to see she isn't the only one though entertaining "conspiracy theories" as her mother put it.
Stunning shots. The colors just jumped right out at me. Part 2Oh, oh, what has Embry gotten herself into in her quest for the truth? Those three characters in the last scene seem shady, and I'm guessing these are the people who killed Sasha? Oh boy, Embry should just go to the cops with this one, or let Evan in on what she's working on.
BTW, Sasha appearing in her room like that sent chills down my spine. I know it's a story, and it's silly of me to be spooked, but that was freaky. I would have run for my life if I was Embry.
Part 3
OMG! Let's hope he changes his mind and doesn't open that door. I'm so afraid for Embry and Tyler now. I can't wait for the next update.
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Post by daijahv on Mar 9, 2011 19:34:03 GMT -5
Part One: OMG Wow! Very intriguing start! It kinda makes me mad that her mother and BF are trying to brush her off about her thoughts. I mean I can kind of understand their positions. Her best friend has just died and they want to help her through the pain quickly and of course denial being one of the stages of grief, she is really holding on to painful memories and Evan and her Mom want her to let it go.
But on the other hand, she knows this girl like a sister and KNOWS something isn't right about what happened. The VERY least both Mom and Evan can do is hear her out and at least consider her thoughts may not be purely from a state of grief.
I love Tyler being able to confirm her suspicions! I cannot wait to see where this goes! Awesome mystery setup and HERE I SIT GLUED waiting for more! Part Two:
Embry is sooo right, it's best to be as discrete as possible investigating because the killer could come for her next!
I can't really blame the bum as Embry did. I'd be too scared to help myself considering there was gunplay. Sad he watched though and didn't at least try and get help, that much I would have done.
Wow such a huge conspiracy behind Sasha's death! At first I was thinking it was her BF cheating on her that killed her, but now I am soOooo curious since there are three people that seemed to know all about this murder and planned it and "paid" for it?!?
Part Three: OMG! The doctor too?!? What the heck did Sasha get caught up in?!? OMG!! I hope he changes his mind and doesn't go in that closet to find Em and Ty!! I'm sooo anxious now! Great job! I'm really enjoying this  |
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Post by sweetdreams25 on Mar 10, 2011 16:49:36 GMT -5
thank you both for reading and commenting! im glad you like the pics..one of my biggest problems though is that i spend too much time editing and not enough time focusing on the writing. lol @ Valpre you know for a while i was actually going to stop writing this story because it was making me feel depressed just thinking about losing a close friend. lol i dont know what i would have done if my best friends spirit popped up in my room. gotta give embry her props! and now the moment of truth...will they be caught??? lol @daijah you would think her mom and bf would back her up even just a little bit. even if they think its her way of coping with the situation. at least entertain the woman! you thought it was the boyfriend hmm? it possibly could have been him!!! lol i'll tell you one thing. there are a LOT of dirty people living in the city they are in and its always the ones you least expect too. smh |
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jillyson
Diligent Librarian 
Twozaks in Other Realms
[M0:6]"Now where have they gone? I seem to have lost my marbles again!" [ss:Luscious Lavender]
Posts: 9,634
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Post by jillyson on Mar 11, 2011 11:20:10 GMT -5
Ohhh! I'll get to this asap! I need to rest my eyes a bit, then I'll get right back to it! Edit: OK, I'm back and read all four!
Wow! For Embry to suspect her best friend was murdered, then to have it laid out with proof - and THEN to have the bad guys be onto her!
Her mother's irresponsibility ended up putting Embry's life in danger, and she doesn't even believe Embry. Thank God she has at least one friend - and a key witness at that - to stand by her thru all of this.
I hope it's not too late to get the police involved before these 2 girls "commit suicide" too!
Very tense!
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Post by sweetdreams25 on Mar 13, 2011 17:38:01 GMT -5
thanks for reading through it i dunno... now that her mom is taking a special liking to the guy thats on to embry, and she has no idea about it, they may be running out of time. =p |
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Post by sweetdreams25 on Mar 14, 2011 17:48:14 GMT -5
i hope this isnt considered double posting.
guys, i hate to sound like a brat or crybaby, but honestly its a little discouraging when you get so few comments on something you work on. =\
i know im new here and all so i dont expect everyone to flood my page like its the greatest story written cause i know its not. i would just like some thoughts on it. is it boring? poorly written? anything will please me.
and if its because i havent commented your story dont hesitate to say something to me! i do try to comment others stories on their blogs and if you'd prefer that i do it on here and the blog, im more than willing.
once again i hate to sound like a brat...
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Post by qui on Mar 14, 2011 20:04:44 GMT -5
i hope this isnt considered double posting. guys, i hate to sound like a brat or crybaby, but honestly its a little discouraging when you get so few comments on something you work on. =\ i know im new here and all so i dont expect everyone to flood my page like its the greatest story written cause i know its not. i would just like some thoughts on it. is it boring? poorly written? anything will please me. and if its because i havent commented your story dont hesitate to say something to me! i do try to comment others stories on their blogs and if you'd prefer that i do it on here and the blog, im more than willing. once again i hate to sound like a brat... I don't know about everyone else but I've been trying to juggle a lot and fit in everyone's stories. I finally had the chance to sit and actually read the rest of the chapters I missed of this so I can really comment now. If you post a chapter and don't see a response from me right away charge it to my head and not my heart! So many things going on and rolling around inside of it! Digging for the truth is dangerous and if it weren't for Sasha showing up and telling her she had to figure out who did it, I'd side with Tyler and tell Embry to run for the hills! She is going to find herself caught up in whatever Sasha was into and it is not going to be pretty! Her mom's "new" friend, naw man! Embry better watch him! First impressions are everything and if she feels uneasy, it's for good reason!! You're going to be the death of me with these cliffhangers like everyone else on here! |
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jillyson
Diligent Librarian
Twozaks in Other Realms
[M0:6]"Now where have they gone? I seem to have lost my marbles again!" [ss:Luscious Lavender]
Posts: 9,634
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Post by jillyson on Mar 14, 2011 21:22:38 GMT -5
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were looking for something specific to your writing, or I would've tailored my comments that way. Usually, it's easier to do this a little further in, where we can see the "weave" of the story elements coming together, but I can give it a go now if you'd like.
Firstly, you have a very intricate and well planned plot from what I see so far. You've got clear villians and heroes, and support is in place for both. That's an important thing, and you covered it well.
Your writing is smart, well-versed, and well paced. Your chapters are well edited, and they keep our attention. There's no filler, and you don't ever lose your thread - you stay right on course. You express the feelings of the characters very well - we can feel the tension that Embry feels, as well as feeling our own tension about what may happen to her.
You are a very talented writer, and I hope to see that continue here, however, most people read for their enjoyment and don't think to give a critique on the writing itself when they tell you they're enjoying your story. I hope you're willing to accept positive comments that center on the story itself, because many people don't have the time to leave a detailed critique, but do want to take the time to tell you they enjoy your story - ie, your writing. It takes less words, but means just as much.
We do have a separate section for critiques if you'd like more members to do that for you in their free time. Just keep in mind it may take a while, as most work full time, have families, go to class, etc in addition to writing their own stories. But if you ask for that, they will be glad to do it for you. |
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Tina ☺
Administrator 
Chillin'
[M0:42]Oh yea....bite me![ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 21,029
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Post by Tina ☺ on Mar 14, 2011 21:51:14 GMT -5
i hope this isnt considered double posting. guys, i hate to sound like a brat or crybaby, but honestly its a little discouraging when you get so few comments on something you work on. =\ i know im new here and all so i dont expect everyone to flood my page like its the greatest story written cause i know its not. i would just like some thoughts on it. is it boring? poorly written? anything will please me. and if its because i havent commented your story dont hesitate to say something to me! i do try to comment others stories on their blogs and if you'd prefer that i do it on here and the blog, im more than willing. once again i hate to sound like a brat... There were some young kids here awhile back that kept double/triple/ quadruple, etc posting one silly thing right after another, so I put a code on the board to nip that sort of thing in the bud because it was a bit... annoying to say the least. I think you are safe in this case, so it is quite alright.  If you are referring to the amount of comments by different people, please do not take offense or take it personally. As others have said before me, people generally have lives of their own and are busy with their own stories, etc. As for me, I have a story that some people have been waiting on the last chapter for MONTHS, and have probably even forgotten by now, but I have not given up. I just haven't had a chance to get around to finishing it yet. I am also a very loyal fan of several writers here whose stories I have been following from the beginning and I have managed to get WAY behind on reading those as well.  Whatever you do, patience is the key. Just give it some time for others to make it around to your story. I am sure I will eventually get around to giving it a look as well, but I have a TON of catching up to do first. Can you imagine how the writer's of the stories I have been following for months and/or years would feel if I dropped everything to read your story before I got caught up on theirs? Ack.... they'd probably hunt me down and kill me!   Don't worry and be happy that you have people reading and enjoying what you write, and if you are having fun in the process, those are all great things! Again, as for me, I am thrilled that you and quite a few other new members have joined this site and have posted stories here. It is my intention to do my best to get around to reading each and every one of them . . . eventually. Hopefully, sometime before I die, I will even get around to finish writing my own already half-written final chapter. Someday, after I have found the time to give it a read, I will most definitely be back to offer you my comments.  |
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Post by valpre1983 on Mar 15, 2011 2:23:05 GMT -5
Looks like I missed an update. Please don't hesitate to drop me a PM when you release chapters, so I can get to them sooner. I don't give critiques unless someone asks, and even that I find daunting sometimes, in case I say something that will offend someone. But since you asked, here it goes:
I love your writing, and since the story is still in the beginning stages, I think you have anough mystery and intrigue to keep readers interested.
I usually don't comment on plots because I don't want to crack someone's story wide open, and act like I know what's going to happen (even when I do), so if I don't comment much on that, it doesn't mean I've missed out on the clues you drop along the way, I'm simply mulling them over in my head.
You have nothing to worry about when it comes to your writing. The chapters I've read so far were all well written, but may I make a suggestion?
I noticed at the end of Ch 2 or was it Ch3 right after Embry speaks to the homeless guy, the action shifted to the bad guys , and you weren't mentioning the bad guy's names. You kept referring to them as "he" and "she" and I found that a little confusing as to who was speaking, or whose head I was in at that given time. I think it would be best if you gave them names, so we can get a feel of their identities and what they are about. I get that they are bad guys, and you'll ask what's in a name...A lot, I would say. Sometimes a name gives the character a personality, a unique voice, and it makes them stand out, and makes it easier for readers to identify with the character, or have some feelings towards the character if readers know who they are. But if you keep referring to them as "he" and "she" they remain far from reach from me, and it becomes difficult to make a connection...
And that's really all I picked up on. I'm dying to get home so I can read Ch4.
And about readership...  I know how you feel, it is discouraging to work on a chapter, stress over a plot, take incredible pictures, only to have 2 comments. I feel exactly the same way as you about the sequel to Unforgettable, and it's gotten to a point where I had to make a tough decision. But... You'll find that we are a very small community of writers, and our interests in reading are not the same. I'm not a legacy fan, but lately I've found a few I like very much. And as much as I'd like to have 50 readers and commenters, I've learned to accept that romance/drama genre is not everyone's favorite and I'm okay with that. I appreciate the little feedback I get from the handful of readers. And sometimes people do read our stories, they just don't leave comments. It's not a reflection of your work or on you as a writer. Some people just don't like to comment or they have nothing to say. So don't take it personally. And I'd hate to see you give it up because you feel discouraged. Also, take into account the different time zones. When you post an update, I'm probably asleep, and I miss it because it gets buried along the way since people post updates all the time. So I'll reiterate what I said earlier, drop me a PM, and I'll get onto it ASAP. There are quite a few stories I was following before yours, and still a lot more I took on after yours, and I try to fit everyone's updates in, but if I don't get to yours immediately, don't be mad, I'll get to it. Chapter Four Embry has good reason not to like the mom's new friend, he's got baddie written all over him. And he's quite cute too. He's a dangerous mix, that's all. But yeah, she should listen to her gut feeling.
WHOA, so Cassandra might be responsible for her own daughter's death. Shikes! Let's hope not or she'll quickly find herself on my sh!t list.
And is it me, or did this update feel much shorter than the others? Weird!*shakes self*
Loved the shots. Beautiful detail! |
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 15, 2011 13:35:26 GMT -5
Hey! I know this is pretty off topic and random but i can help with the whole stretchy picture thing on LJ. I went through the same thing until I found the problem I see that you have a custom lay out. I dont know how it is arranged when it is copied into the CCS. But for mine, I went (The code for the custom layout) under the section the section that says entries and found something that said .entry_text img {max-width: 1100px; overflow: hidden;} The number that you see there can be changed, allowing you to expand your picture to whatever size you desire. By default that number is automatically set to 350, I'm not sure if that the case for mines but thats what happen to me. Your pictures are to wonderful not to get the full blown out effect So thats just me trying to help and dont feel bad about the whole no feedback thing. Trust me this is the site to be. the other sites could careless about if you write a story. their to caught up in their challenges and awards. Soo maybe after the site goes down for a bit, it will bring people back and hopefully more new people like yourself:) Enjoy it here and i love your stories!! agaian bye bye! If you hve any other  ??'s just let me know! |
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Post by sweetdreams25 on Mar 15, 2011 17:36:01 GMT -5
thanks everyone...i didn't want to seem pushy and i understand people have lives. i definitely don't expect folks to drop what they're doing just for me. never that. you don't have to give me an in depth critique of the story (although i GREATLY appreciate you doing that jillyson and valpre! i'll be sure to take what yall gave me to head). it's all for fun right? i just wasn't receiving many comments so i wasn't sure if people were actually reading it or not. now i feel bad because i feel like i made a scene.  that was not what i was trying to do. i'll just blame that on mother nature. now on to comments... @ Qui Embry has a VERY good reason to not like her moms new friend. its actually the guy that found out about her asking the homeless guy questions. i probably should have made that clearer. @valpre like i mentioned to Qui...yep the guy is bad news. Now looking at your critique i can see how all that was on the confusing side. hopefully everything will be more clear in the future. and this update was definitely shorter. i figured shorter ones would be easier for me to do if i planned on ever ending this. when i first started it years ago it was WAY too long. thanks for the tid-bit on sizing pictures bri! you have NO idea how bad ive been wanting to get it fixed. one person already tried and i still couldnt get it right -_- |
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Brianna
Studious Secretary
[M0:14]Climbing one mountain at a time.[ss:Black/Purple]
Posts: 158
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Post by Brianna on Mar 15, 2011 19:36:50 GMT -5
lol no problem. I thought my laptop was doing it and nearly sling-shot it out the window, but turns it was that. That fixed it right?
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that was not what i was trying to do. i'll just blame that on mother nature.