Heart of a Dreamer

[gemagt99]

Ok this is my story "Heart of a Dreamer" it´s my very firts chapter and I´m working really hard on it so I would love if you read and rate it high.
Here´s the link thesims2.ea.com/exchange/story_de....user_id=4132208
And please let me know if you like it!

[Tina ☺]

Hi Gema! It's nice to see you. I clicked on your link, but it says item not found. So either the link is messed up, or your story has gone missing...

[gemagt99]

I have no idea what happened to the link so anyways here´s the link thesims2.ea.com/exchange/story_detail.php?asset_id=248335
And please tell me what you think and help me rate high

[Tina ☺]

Hey Gema! Well... it took me a while but I finally was able to read your story. Wow... you have some very good-looking sims and some of your pictures are edited beautifully! I can tell you are working really hard to make it nice.

I know that English is not your first language and you have done a WAY better job of writing in English than I would be able to do in Spanish (especially since I only knew a few words in that language....lol) But to be honest, you could benefit GREATLY from having a proof reader go over your stories before posting them because I had a really tough time following the story due to all the grammatical mistakes, typos, etc.

Your story is told almost as if you are very excited and talking to a friend about events in your life. There are repeated words and thoughts that sort of interrupt the flow of the story and cause confusion. All in all though, I think you have an interesting storyline and I am curious about the boy across the street....

If you are serious about writing and would like to improve with time, I would be happy to help by offering to proof read for you and give you some more pointers about how to make your writing better.

I could not, in all honesty, give your story five stars, but as I said I could tell you worked hard so I gave you four. If you really enjoy writing, don't give up. Keep going, growing, learning, and trying your best and you'll be fine!

Edited to add a few more thoughts since I've slept and my brain is less foggy...lol

I also wanted to say that I actually like the 'feel' of your story. It's sort of like a young, small-town girl telling of her adventures. It's actually really cute and fun! With a few minor adjustments (such as the ones I mentioned above) to make the point more clear, your story could possibly become better than good.

[jillyson]

Hi Gema! Welcome! I just read your story, & rated high. Your pictures are FABULOUS!!! I wish I could take shots like that!

There were 2 things I noticed that took a little bit away from what looks to be a great story..there were some spelling errors or typos. That's something I do myself, so I usually ask someone to proof read my stories, then make the corrections before I post the link.
The only other thing I think might improve it is if you took out some sentences. You have a really good thought, but then you write way too much about it, and not enough about other things. Like, it would've been helpful to have more info about what the main character was planning with the Mayor's wife. Also, more about the "Golden Citizen" award. One thing I can think of off the top of my head, where there were too many words, was where she was talking to her best friend. Another time was when she was with the Mayor's wife.
Your words were very nice, but there were so many, that it took my mind away from what was happening in the story. There's a saying that, "Less is more". That would be true here. You could tell us that she can't stop thinking about this boy, and mention it as she's doing other things, like when she was with the Mayor's wife. Just a tiny mention, like "As she was giving me her instructions, my mind kept wandering back to the boy from the coffee shop. Who was he, what was he doing here? Is he single? But before I could think about him too much, I was brought back to reality by the Mayor's wife's voice." Much less, but says the same thing. You know what I mean?

I know you didn't post in the section called "Everyone needs a liitle help..." which is where we usually ask for others to critique & proof read for us, but I really like the story, & I was hoping I could be helpful to you. I hope you don't mind my two cents!

Anyway, I love that she's a florist like her grandma & living in her house. I think that's really sweet. And I can't wait to see what the story is with the cute guy! Also, I know I mentioned it already, but your pictures...WOW! Can't wait to read your next chapter! Please, keep writing!

[Sarie]

Gosh, stop nagging so much!

I think that the storyline was great, and plus the screenshots wonderful! I do agree with them that there were some grammar and spelling mistakes, but hey, that happens to everyone!

[gemagt99]

Thank you guys for your comments I really appreciate them since english is my second language, but I´m working really hard on this story and I would love your help Tina, so I´ve already started writing part two and I hope to finish with part two as soon as possible!

[jillyson]

I'm glad you're going to continue the story! I can't wait!

[Sarie]

I wonder what's going to happen ... hmmm...

[gemagt99]

I think you´ll have to wait for next chapter

[Tina ☺]

Sarie, we aren't nagging. What we did is called giving an honest critque because she asked for opinions. It's really the only way to learn and improve in anything we do. And I'm glad to see it worked. If no one ever told us what we were doing wrong, we'd never learn how to do it right. Your teachers could never get away with giving you an 'A' on your math paper if you insisted that 2+2=5. If no one ever told you that was wrong, you wouldn't learn the correct answer.

I'll be happy to proof read for you Gema. Just let me know when you are ready. If you email your story text to me, I will proof read it, correct it, and send it back. It works great that way, doesn't Sarie?

[Sarie]

So ... 2+2 DOESN'T =5?

Well, you just kept repeating stuff. I'm okay with cunstructive critism, but if you just keep going on about stuff it gets annoying.

[Tina ☺]

Now I'm confuzzled. I didn't repeat anything. I gave my opinion and moved on.

I'll do it again for the next person who asks and if the problems in it are the same as this one, it may be repeated, but it will be for and to a different person, so it's really not a repeat..

If you're talking about Jilly having some of the same opinions as I did, then that still isn't a repeat because they came from HER and not me. This is, after all, a site from which to learn better writing techniques and skills if you want. So... you may often hear what in your opinion is repeats. Just don't let it bother you enough to try to stop people folks from giving their opinions because no one can prevent that from happening.

[jillyson]

It was probably me that was repeating - I tend to get too wordy. (oddly, the same thing I was trying to help with! Lol!) I usually need someone to step in & tell me that I've said the same thing for 3 pages & I could've done it in one! I just really enjoyed the story & wanted to encourage her to continue it. Did I mention how wonderful those pictures are? Not even just the special ones, but the regular ones, too? I'm a fan! (don't worry - not a crazed, stalker fan!)

[Sarie]

Jilly, way to lighten the mood! ;D